The 23rd was a hard day, even now years later. I found myself trying to stay busy because I just didn't want to think about him. I never want to think about him, it just hurts me to much. I found myself on the phone with Tanya til god knows when in the morning crying my eyes out. I haven't cried about this in forever, but on that day the pain was just so real. She's the only person who gets the pain and lose I still feel. Although he isn't dead that is what it feels like most of the time. I wish I could take the 23rd off the calendar, this was a wish I expressed to Danny. And he promised me that although it would always be there the pain someday wouldn't. I only hope he is telling me the truth.

I'm just a girl
You're just a boy
This is my heart
It's not a toy
So what's with you playing with my mind?

We used to be cool
This used to be love
Now it's become
Something like a job
Like it or not
Maybe things were changing
Right before our eyes

- pre-chorus:
I tried to be your picture perfect girl
But you were in your own fantasy world
Trynna control me
Like some kind of barbie
But that just ain't me

-chorus:
'Cuz I ain't a doll
This ain't a dollhouse
You're way too old to be
Putting me down like this
And playing around like this
I ain't a doll
This ain't a dollhouse
No i could never be stuck living life like this
Behind these four walls
I ain't a doll

You call the shots
Right down to my shoes
I liked what you liked
Cuz you told me to
And i don't think that you could even tell
I fell out of love
But it never showed
I gave up on us
So long ago
But you'll never know
Baby don't pretend like you know me so well

-prechorus:

I tried to be your picture perfect girl
But you were in your own fantasy world
Trynna control me
Like some kind of barbie
But that just ain't me

-chorus:

I ain't a doll
This ain't a dollhouse
You're way too old to be
Putting me down like this
And playing around like this
I ain't a doll
This ain't a dollhouse
No i could never be stuck living life like this
Behind these four walls
I ain't a doll

I'll never be made of plastic
So glad that my heart's elastic
No matter what you do
I'll bounce back off of you
Cut me but i'm not bleeding

-prechorus:

I tried to be your picture perfect girl
But you were in your own fantasy world
Trynna control me
Like some kind of barbie
But that just ain't me

-chorus:

I ain't a doll
This ain't a dollhouse
You're way too old to be
Putting me down like this
And playing around like this
I ain't a doll
This ain't a dollhouse
No i could never be stuck living life like this
Behind these four walls
I ain't a doll

And i come with imperfection
Epitome of perfection
If you can't understand
Loving the way i am
Then you're no good for me
So glad i kept my receipt

Oh Christopher what am I going to do with you. Every passing day you fill my life with laughter that is so needed right now I could never thank you enough. An you put a smile on my face. But I know with each passing day your feelings for me are growing and I don't know how to tell you that they are not the same for me. I don't want to throw the friend card at you because I'm sure you have heard it a million times before, but my heart belongs so a wonderful person and even if my cards hadn't fell into place, you wouldn't have been able to fill the void. I don't want to break your heart or lead you on for that matter, but the next step I take is still so uncertain.

In case you missed it let me tell you again, I love you. I love you so much it kills me inside. I hate that your family treats me that way they do. They are really bad at acting like they understand me at all. We come from two different world but we have molded them together, your mother seems to be the only one not excepting that. As much as I love you, I can't believe that West Branch is your home. Call me a spoil brat (cause thats what they think of me) but it is so boring there. And the fact that dial up internet still exists in your world it's crazy!!

I swear going up there is like a blast from that past. And I'm not looking to go backwards. Forward is where we need to go, holding hands.

I haven't thought about you in so long, until early this week when I walked into the gym and the boy working the front desk could have been your twin. I couldn't stop myself from looking at him several times over the next hour or so. It made me wonder how you were doing and if I crossed your mind anymore.

Don't get my wrong I am so happy with my life now, but there are still days I miss you. But I'd rather hurt then feel nothing at all at this point. My knife that still resides in my chest from what you did to me will always be. A person must always forgive but never forget.

Still in shock that this is taking place. Why is it that boys just can't let shit go? Everyone talks shit but I wish we could all get along. I am sure when the fight started Rob had no intentions of truly hurting anyone let alone someone loosing there life. I hope truly when the case goes to court that someone realizes he was trying to protect himself from 8 people with weapons and had no intentions of killing anyone. God even saying that makes me sick inside. I'm leaving this place tomorrow so hopefully I don't have to think about this for a fewdays. I'm truly worried about my sister because Rob is one of her best friends. But we all grieve a little different so I will let her be for now.

I get a phone call Friday night and he's on the other side of the line sounding rather upset. All I remember from that conversation is...

Devin: "I need to come see you"
Halie: "So get in the car, I'll be here waiting for you."
Devin: "Ok, I'll call you after I get gas and I'm on my way."

The next thing I knew it was 2 hours later and he was pulling into my driveway in the pouring rain. Talk about a complete Notebook moment. It was probably the best thing he could ahve done for our relationship at this point, even though he will be back here on Wednesday. We took advantage of every moment together and god did we laugh.

I'm beginning to think I can get through this seperation. I will still have my bad days but he really is only a car ride away when things get really hard.

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I don't wait to breathe anymore, I don't want to fake this smile when you walk into the room. I'm not ok.

I have had this strange pain in my chest below my breast bone for 4 days now and I am doing my very best not to worry about it. I am hopinh it is just a pulled muscle or my body still getting use to the new tube. But I can't help but fear that maybe it is the beginning of a staff infection and that scares the hell ouf of me. I am doing my best to stay stress free and just go on through out he day ignoring it. Sometimes it is better then others. I just wish it would go away so I didn't have to worry.

Even though I know your leaving in a week I feel like we have stepped back in time for just a moment. Every second we spend together seems to special. Never forgetting that once this next week is over we don't know when the next time will be.

I hope you don't feel like I am pushing you when I ask about the next time we are going to be together, I just don't want it to be months from now. I have grown so use to holding on to you that letting you go scares the hell out of me. Don't get me wrong I know that this is going to be a good thing when it's all over, but I miss you and your not even gone yet. I don't know if I can bare to watch you pack your things and pull out of the driveway. But I am not going to think about that now, I am going to think about the amazing moments that will still have to spend together. Just you adn me adn no one else inbetween.

Being in Children's Hospital makes me feel like I am going to loose my mind. I try so hard not to sit here and have a pity party, but that is pretty hard to do. No one knows how I am feeling although they try to pretend like they understand. But I am going through a  brand new surgery tomorrow and I am sorry if I feel like I am going to snap and no one is willing to let me talk about it. They just shush me and say it's going to be ok. I'm sorry sick of it. I just want this all to be over and I want to heal at home. I need to be at home.

I'm sorry if I'm over sensitive but I'd rather not talk about it right now. I feel like if I try to make the words come out right it will be nothing but tears. I'm so confused it hurts. I tell you everything and I feel like every word that leaves your lips is a lie. You expect me to pick up everything and move away from here. I told you before I can't live in West Branch, I'm not happy there. And in all reality you need to see my happiness needs to be a factor in your choices. I love you so much. But if you choose to go I don't know if I can do this long distance, I don't know if I can be the weekend girlfriend.

I don't know what to think...it just hurts.

I had surgery on Tuesday afternoon and the saddest part about it is the people who cared the most were hundreds of miles away. I got more texts and phone calls from Mark and Tanya, then any family members or anyone who remotely lives near me. It took til Friday for Amber to even send a text message to me asking me how I was. Friends are there for you no matter what and my two best friends never ever have let me down. We don't have to speak for weeks or months, but they are still the only two people on this earth that know me and would really be there for me.

17 months have passed and you still take my breath away. To everyone else today is the 4th of July but today is something so much more special to us. Kissing you underneath the fireworks last night was like magic, everything new that we experience together erases all the pain from the past. I know you don't understand when I say thank you, but I need to thank you for being there. Thank you for every kiss, every laugh about something stupid and every memorie you've made better because it's not with you and not with the person before. You taught me how to laugh again and god did i need that. I love you.

Love
Halie

He's in Michigan now but once again untouchable to me. I guess it should be no surprise at all that we aren't going to see one another while he is home, it is just the path our relationship has always taken. He's always just out of my reach. Honestly I didn't even let myself believe he was going to be here this time around because I didn't want to feel the let down, the fall. As far as my heart is concerned he is still in Georgia and our distance has never changed.

I'm keeping your secret and yet I do not know why. I honestly don't even know why I have been talking to you lately, but like always you suck me in. YOUR SO BAD FOR ME!! I'm not even into not at all, but maybe I like playing with your mind as much as you fucked with mine. I'm sickened by the person you have become and I only wish your wife knew what you were up to. Honestly I am the greatest person, you've said it yourself I deserve the best and yet your still here. Your not the best if you haven't yet figured that out. But I feel like I can talk to you, so maybe thats why this is going on. And for once I feel like I have the control, you can't choke me from where you are. This is all on my terms and when I blow your cover your going to hate me, possibly more then I hate you.  

Ha Ha Fucker I'm Not So Nice After all.