Once Upon A Dream...

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 15:40:56 GMT

I wish I knew what was going on with him. I wish my brain would stop thinking the worst like it always does. He is a strong person and everything is going to be fine, but I just can't help the fact that I am scared to death knowing that he is in the hospital and we can not ahve any contact at all. I seriously hope that his brother let him know about the text message. Let him know that I am here and that I am on his side, no matter what is going on.

God Danny why do I let you get to me??

Our First Christmas Tree

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 01:13:44 GMT

Christmas is right around the corner and although this is our second Christmas together, this was the first time we decorated the tree together. I think it was something simple to you but you know me it meant the world. We kept it simple, a snow white tree, colored lights and red, green and silver bulbs only. It looked amazing!! We are still trying to figure out the holidays. I know you will be here Christmas Eve and spend the night that night. And we will spent Christmas Day in West Branch, but after that everything is so up in the air.

I want to know when the clock hits midnight on December 31st you are going to be here. That I get to kiss you. It's so simple but I need to know it is going to take place. I live my life by the calendar you know this. Long distance is fine we are making this work the best we can for now. I love you dearly I can't wait to spend the holidays with you.

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 15:08:32 GMT

The 23rd was a hard day, even now years later. I found myself trying to stay busy because I just didn't want to think about him. I never want to think about him, it just hurts me to much. I found myself on the phone with Tanya til god knows when in the morning crying my eyes out. I haven't cried about this in forever, but on that day the pain was just so real. She's the only person who gets the pain and lose I still feel. Although he isn't dead that is what it feels like most of the time. I wish I could take the 23rd off the calendar, this was a wish I expressed to Danny. And he promised me that although it would always be there the pain someday wouldn't. I only hope he is telling me the truth.

I LOVE this song

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 03:15:17 GMT

I'm just a girl
You're just a boy
This is my heart
It's not a toy
So what's with you playing with my mind?

We used to be cool
This used to be love
Now it's become
Something like a job
Like it or not
Maybe things were changing
Right before our eyes

- pre-chorus:
I tried to be your picture perfect girl
But you were in your own fantasy world
Trynna control me
Like some kind of barbie
But that just ain't me

-chorus:
'Cuz I ain't a doll
This ain't a dollhouse
You're way too old to be
Putting me down like this
And playing around like this
I ain't a doll
This ain't a dollhouse
No i could never be stuck living life like this
Behind these four walls
I ain't a doll

You call the shots
Right down to my shoes
I liked what you liked
Cuz you told me to
And i don't think that you could even tell
I fell out of love
But it never showed
I gave up on us
So long ago
But you'll never know
Baby don't pretend like you know me so well

-prechorus:

I tried to be your picture perfect girl
But you were in your own fantasy world
Trynna control me
Like some kind of barbie
But that just ain't me

-chorus:

I ain't a doll
This ain't a dollhouse
You're way too old to be
Putting me down like this
And playing around like this
I ain't a doll
This ain't a dollhouse
No i could never be stuck living life like this
Behind these four walls
I ain't a doll

I'll never be made of plastic
So glad that my heart's elastic
No matter what you do
I'll bounce back off of you
Cut me but i'm not bleeding

-prechorus:

I tried to be your picture perfect girl
But you were in your own fantasy world
Trynna control me
Like some kind of barbie
But that just ain't me

-chorus:

I ain't a doll
This ain't a dollhouse
You're way too old to be
Putting me down like this
And playing around like this
I ain't a doll
This ain't a dollhouse
No i could never be stuck living life like this
Behind these four walls
I ain't a doll

And i come with imperfection
Epitome of perfection
If you can't understand
Loving the way i am
Then you're no good for me
So glad i kept my receipt

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 02:28:46 GMT

Oh Christopher what am I going to do with you. Every passing day you fill my life with laughter that is so needed right now I could never thank you enough. An you put a smile on my face. But I know with each passing day your feelings for me are growing and I don't know how to tell you that they are not the same for me. I don't want to throw the friend card at you because I'm sure you have heard it a million times before, but my heart belongs so a wonderful person and even if my cards hadn't fell into place, you wouldn't have been able to fill the void. I don't want to break your heart or lead you on for that matter, but the next step I take is still so uncertain.

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 22:14:17 GMT

In case you missed it let me tell you again, I love you. I love you so much it kills me inside. I hate that your family treats me that way they do. They are really bad at acting like they understand me at all. We come from two different world but we have molded them together, your mother seems to be the only one not excepting that. As much as I love you, I can't believe that West Branch is your home. Call me a spoil brat (cause thats what they think of me) but it is so boring there. And the fact that dial up internet still exists in your world it's crazy!!

I swear going up there is like a blast from that past. And I'm not looking to go backwards. Forward is where we need to go, holding hands.

::sigh:: Two steps back yet again.

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 22:38:19 GMT

I haven't thought about you in so long, until early this week when I walked into the gym and the boy working the front desk could have been your twin. I couldn't stop myself from looking at him several times over the next hour or so. It made me wonder how you were doing and if I crossed your mind anymore.

Don't get my wrong I am so happy with my life now, but there are still days I miss you. But I'd rather hurt then feel nothing at all at this point. My knife that still resides in my chest from what you did to me will always be. A person must always forgive but never forget.

RIP Tyler

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 22:06:03 GMT

Our community morned for months after he passed away, but as I sit here thinking about him today I wonder if anyone even remembers that it happened. I know it's been 6 years but he doesn't deserve to be forgotten. He was amazing.

Is this really happening?

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 00:42:48 GMT

Still in shock that this is taking place. Why is it that boys just can't let shit go? Everyone talks shit but I wish we could all get along. I am sure when the fight started Rob had no intentions of truly hurting anyone let alone someone loosing there life. I hope truly when the case goes to court that someone realizes he was trying to protect himself from 8 people with weapons and had no intentions of killing anyone. God even saying that makes me sick inside. I'm leaving this place tomorrow so hopefully I don't have to think about this for a fewdays. I'm truly worried about my sister because Rob is one of her best friends. But we all grieve a little different so I will let her be for now.

It was a wonderful weekend!!

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 17:41:53 GMT

I get a phone call Friday night and he's on the other side of the line sounding rather upset. All I remember from that conversation is...

Devin: "I need to come see you"
Halie: "So get in the car, I'll be here waiting for you."
Devin: "Ok, I'll call you after I get gas and I'm on my way."

The next thing I knew it was 2 hours later and he was pulling into my driveway in the pouring rain. Talk about a complete Notebook moment. It was probably the best thing he could ahve done for our relationship at this point, even though he will be back here on Wednesday. We took advantage of every moment together and god did we laugh.

I'm beginning to think I can get through this seperation. I will still have my bad days but he really is only a car ride away when things get really hard.

I'm barely breathing

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 03:38:10 GMT

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I don't wait to breathe anymore, I don't want to fake this smile when you walk into the room. I'm not ok.

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 03:50:29 GMT

I have had this strange pain in my chest below my breast bone for 4 days now and I am doing my very best not to worry about it. I am hopinh it is just a pulled muscle or my body still getting use to the new tube. But I can't help but fear that maybe it is the beginning of a staff infection and that scares the hell ouf of me. I am doing my best to stay stress free and just go on through out he day ignoring it. Sometimes it is better then others. I just wish it would go away so I didn't have to worry.

1 week left

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 20:12:51 GMT

Even though I know your leaving in a week I feel like we have stepped back in time for just a moment. Every second we spend together seems to special. Never forgetting that once this next week is over we don't know when the next time will be.

I hope you don't feel like I am pushing you when I ask about the next time we are going to be together, I just don't want it to be months from now. I have grown so use to holding on to you that letting you go scares the hell out of me. Don't get me wrong I know that this is going to be a good thing when it's all over, but I miss you and your not even gone yet. I don't know if I can bare to watch you pack your things and pull out of the driveway. But I am not going to think about that now, I am going to think about the amazing moments that will still have to spend together. Just you adn me adn no one else inbetween.

Clear Thoughts

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 12:59:38 GMT

I've had my ups and downs about this, but I am finding a way around the elephant in the room. As much as I don't want to move to West Branch because I just can't handle how "small town" it really is, if that's what I have to do in the end I will. There is a Baker College directly in his old high school that I could attend so that we could be together. I don't use the degree I have now for reasons unknown and I would love to go back to school anyway. We've been talking it over in the past few day and I requested information be sent to me about the West Branch campus because it is so small.

As for now I go hour by hour, but I am doing much better. The true people in my life have rapped there arms around me and I will get through this with them by my side.

Please don't move back up there.

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 01:03:22 GMT

Why is it that you get to make the choices and I just have to grin and bare it? I am sorry but I refuse to be that girl. I was that girl for 7 years, the girl that did what he wanted when he wanted, and I will not be that way with you. I know that you think this choice you are making is the best choice for "us" but really I think it's the best choice for YOU!!! Your not thinking about us at all. Your not thinking about the fact that I am the one that gets left behind in all of this when you go home in a few weeks and give your mother exactly what she wanted, even if you are getting at better job. I am sorry but I did the long distance thing for 7 years and I don't want to do it with you. I don't want to just be your girlfriend on the weekends or when you can make it down state to visit. We have not been apart at all since last July, we have woken up next to one another every single morning and some how you are handling this to well for me. You say we will be apart for a year and half that is forever in my eyes and all though I trust you, Lynn is still in the back of my head.

I know you want me to support you, but your going to have to give me a little bit more time. Your going to have to comfort me just a little bit more and your going to have to tell you mom to back out of our relationship for now on. It's me and you, not me you and her. I'm sick of feeling like she comes before me. I will not be second best to your mother. Your 24 please make your own choices.

I fucking hate West Branch please don't go.

I hate Children's

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 00:21:34 GMT

Being in Children's Hospital makes me feel like I am going to loose my mind. I try so hard not to sit here and have a pity party, but that is pretty hard to do. No one knows how I am feeling although they try to pretend like they understand. But I am going through a brand new surgery tomorrow and I am sorry if I feel like I am going to snap and no one is willing to let me talk about it. They just shush me and say it's going to be ok. I'm sorry sick of it. I just want this all to be over and I want to heal at home. I need to be at home.

I can't hold back the tears...it just hurts.

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 18:00:30 GMT

I'm sorry if I'm over sensitive but I'd rather not talk about it right now. I feel like if I try to make the words come out right it will be nothing but tears. I'm so confused it hurts. I tell you everything and I feel like every word that leaves your lips is a lie. You expect me to pick up everything and move away from here. I told you before I can't live in West Branch, I'm not happy there. And in all reality you need to see my happiness needs to be a factor in your choices. I love you so much. But if you choose to go I don't know if I can do this long distance, I don't know if I can be the weekend girlfriend.

I don't know what to think...it just hurts.

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 03:53:56 GMT

I had surgery on Tuesday afternoon and the saddest part about it is the people who cared the most were hundreds of miles away. I got more texts and phone calls from Mark and Tanya, then any family members or anyone who remotely lives near me. It took til Friday for Amber to even send a text message to me asking me how I was. Friends are there for you no matter what and my two best friends never ever have let me down. We don't have to speak for weeks or months, but they are still the only two people on this earth that know me and would really be there for me.

17 months

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 20:16:24 GMT

17 months have passed and you still take my breath away. To everyone else today is the 4th of July but today is something so much more special to us. Kissing you underneath the fireworks last night was like magic, everything new that we experience together erases all the pain from the past. I know you don't understand when I say thank you, but I need to thank you for being there. Thank you for every kiss, every laugh about something stupid and every memorie you've made better because it's not with you and not with the person before. You taught me how to laugh again and god did i need that. I love you.

Love
Halie

Once again the let down

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 00:49:26 GMT

He's in Michigan now but once again untouchable to me. I guess it should be no surprise at all that we aren't going to see one another while he is home, it is just the path our relationship has always taken. He's always just out of my reach. Honestly I didn't even let myself believe he was going to be here this time around because I didn't want to feel the let down, the fall. As far as my heart is concerned he is still in Georgia and our distance has never changed.

Tue, 09 Jun 2009 20:37:58 GMT

Your coming home in July and I'm suppose to act like wea re just friends. That all the feelings I have had to over 10 years now are just gone. I am suppose to be a good girl and you a good boy, but somewhere in me I hope and pray that does not happen. I hope for the first time when you look at me you realize what has always been there. I listen to you on the other side of the phone complaining about the girl in your life, thinking that you will not find the right one because you don't see me. But I will still be here when you get home. In the same place I was the last time you left.

Your a tool

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 02:07:43 GMT

I'm keeping your secret and yet I do not know why. I honestly don't even know why I have been talking to you lately, but like always you suck me in. YOUR SO BAD FOR ME!! I'm not even into not at all, but maybe I like playing with your mind as much as you fucked with mine. I'm sickened by the person you have become and I only wish your wife knew what you were up to. Honestly I am the greatest person, you've said it yourself I deserve the best and yet your still here. Your not the best if you haven't yet figured that out. But I feel like I can talk to you, so maybe thats why this is going on. And for once I feel like I have the control, you can't choke me from where you are. This is all on my terms and when I blow your cover your going to hate me, possibly more then I hate you.

Ha Ha Fucker I'm Not So Nice After all.

You always got me

Sun, 19 Apr 2009 18:33:23 GMT

So I'm a little left of center
I'm a little out of tune
Some say I'm paranormal
So I just bend their spoon
Who wants to be ordinary
In a crazy, mixed-up world
I don't care what they're sayin'
As long as I'm your girl

Hey, you are on my side
And they, they just roll their eyes

You get me
When nobody understands
You come and take the chance, baby
You get me
You look inside my wild mind
Never knowing what you'll find
And still you want me all the time
Yeah, you do
Yeah, you get me

So what if I see the sunshine
In the pouring rain
Some people think I'm crazy
But you say it's okay
You've seen my secret garden
Where all of my flowers grow
In my imagination
Anything goes

I, I am all you want
They, they just read me wrong

You get me
When nobody understands
You come and hold my hand, baby
You get me
You look inside my wild mind
Never knowing what you'll find
Still you want me all the time
Yeah, you do
'Cause you get me

Hey, you are on my side
They, they just roll their eyes
Yeah, yeah, yeah

'Cause you get me
When nobody understands
You come and take the chance, baby
You get me
When none of the pieces fit
You make sense of it
You get me
You look inside my wild mind
Never knowing what you'll find
And still I want you all the time
Yeah, I do
'Cause you get me
Yeah, oh, yeah, oh

I really miss you today...::sigh::

Hydrocephalus

Sat, 18 Apr 2009 01:09:23 GMT

I met someone like me today, someone that understand exactly where I am coming from on my worse days. He just happen to be on the same street I was on and I saved his dog this morning while jogging around the block. His dad noticed my Children's Hospital sweatshirt and the conversation went on from there. Shunts, strokes, surgeries, Children's Hospital. It was a just what I needed in that moment, just to know someone else was in my shoes and worse off. I mentioned my 33 surgies and he told me his son had over 200 and his sons girlfriend has had 300. It made me feel lucky for once in my life.

(On a side note I never thought listening to this song would hurt as bad as it does. I feel like I have a knife in my chest rihgt now, I can barely breathe. I hope he's ok.)

You've already had the best days of your life

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 16:08:20 GMT

'Cause I'll be there, in the back of your mind
From the day we met 'till you were making me cry
And it's just too bad, you've already had the best days
The best days of your life

Ain't it a shame?
A shame that everytime you hear my name
Brought up in a casual conversation
You can't think straight

And ain't it sad?
You can forget about what we had
Take a look at her and do you like what you see?
Or do you wish it was me

'Cause I'll be there, in the back of your mind
From the day we met to the very last night
And it's just too bad, you've already had the best days
The best days of your life

And does she know?
Know about the times you used to hold me
Wrapped me in your arms and how you told me
I'm the only one

I heard about
Yeah, someone told me once, when you were out
She went a little crazy ran her mouth about me
Ain't jealousy funny?

'Cause I'll be there, in the back of your mind
From the day we met to the very last night
And it's just too bad, you've already had the best days
The best days of your life

...with me was a fairytale love
I was head-over-heals 'till you threw away us
And it's just too bad you've, already had the best days
The best days of your life

I heard you're gonna get married
Have a nice little family
Live out my dreams with someone new

But, I've been told that a cheater
Is always a cheater
I've got my pride, and she's got you...

'Cause I'll be there, in the back of your mind
From the day we met 'till you were making me cry
And it's just too bad, you've already had the best days
The best days of your life...

Of your life
Oh, oh, yeah
You're gonna think of me
You're gonna think of me in your life
Oh, oh, yeah
It's a shame, it's a shame...

I still hold my breath everytime I see a number on my cellphone that I don't notice hoping that you've decided to stand up for yourself. I know it will never happen, but maybe someday you will decide that our friendship is worth it and she can't keep us apart. I know she hates me but why did you decide that you had to follow suit? I'm sorry that I just can't pick up my life and let you go. I deserve answers and so do so many other people you've let down. Maybe someday I'll get what I am looking for. You know my number it hasn't changed. You can still call if you need me. I'm still here for you.

*Halie Marie*